Sunday, April 22, 2012
[following content is for matured readers only]
Last Saturday night I got some spare time out of my busy schedule. Watching TV in my free time is one of my favourite activities. So, I started surfing the TV channels. There was one show that drew my initial attention. The programme was named as, “Another Beauty in the World”. The idea about the programme is that a gorgeous looking person would come at every episode. Then he or she would talk about his or her self-proclaimed beauty. The interviewer would ask questions to him about his early years, career, life and about the beauty, fashion & sexual attraction that the person possesses.
Since, nobody calls Bishnu Kumar Ganguram (that’s me) a handsome guy, I have a natural curiosity for how to become more attractive. By listening to their talks on beauty secrets, I try to find tips that I can use to improve my looks. So, I felt a natural curiosity about this programme.
On last Saturday’s show, the guest was Mr. Milkshake Sikhwal.
Host: Welcome to the show Milkshake…
Milkshake: Hi Romit. It’s good to see you again.
Host: Milky, tell me about how your ‘good look’ has caused impact on your life.
Milkshake: It all started when I was born.
Host: What happened? I guess you were born at night and at that time, there was power cut in the hospital. So, nobody could see your beautiful face…
Milkshake: No, no I was born in the morning. Actually, there was another beautiful baby in the same maternity ward. Today she has become a successful film star with international fame.
Host: And you have become just a beauty sensation (and nothing else)?
Milkshake: Hmmm. But the fact was everybody in the maternity ward wanted to see me but not to her. So, it seems to me that I stole the show from her.
Host: But she has stolen the show in the long run. She has more admirers than you now.
Milkshake: I also have had many admirers. When I was a kid many women tried to get cozy with me.
Milkshake: Like when I played in the garden, many cows whistled at me (in their own language).
Host: So, you treated animals your lovers?
Milkshake: Why shouldn’t I? Even today I am called a sex animal.
Host: We shall take a break and then shall come back for more talks with Mr. Milkshake.
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[back to the show]
Host: Welcome back to our show. So, you were telling me that something happened in the school? What was that?
Milkshake: Well the girls in my batch fell for my beauty. But they feared to propose me. After all, we were only kids. They waited until we were in the class XII.
Host: What happened then?
Milkshake: One day, they stood in a line after the classes and one by one they came near me. Each girl told me that she was in love with me.
Host: What you told them in return?
Milkshake: I said, rather than Romance activities, I was more interested in “MMS Clip” kind of activities.
Host: What happened then? Did the girls like your concept of attraction?
Milkshake: Well, they became furious. They beat me up with their best possible strengths.
Host: Many bad things people like you have to suffer in the name of Sex.
Milkshake: Oh no. That was in the name of Beauty.
Host: Anyway, have you found any positive side of your physical beauty?
Milkshake: Yes, plenty of them. The lady teachers of Maths & English gave me 80% marks in all through my school life. Because I was always very cute looking. So I guess they also fell for me. Otherwise, I could not have passed in those subjects after class V.
Host: Okay, let’s proceed with other matters. How was your experience with foreign girls while studying at a foreign university?
Milkshake: Well, I tried to impress girls with my different hairstyles. In the first year, my friends used to call me “Bowl-head”, in the second year, “Towel-Head” and in the third year, “Gargoyel-head”.
Host: But you were still successful to impress them, right?
Milkshake: Yes, of course. In fact, I take their comments as compliments about my beautiful hair.
Host: You must be kidding…
Milkshake: No, I’m not.
Host: Let’s move on to other topics. We have heard that you sported moustache and beard sometime in your life. What was that for? Did you tried to reduce your handsomeness?
Milkshake: No, actually before keeping my beard and moustache, girls understood me as half-man-half-woman. I used to receive hot proposals from trans genders and bisexuals. To bring a feeling of masculinity I grew hair on my face.
Host: What happened after that?
Milkshake: My foreign job was not renewed. Seeing my bearded face, employers treated me as some kind of terrorist. Being jobless, I tried my luck in the adult film industry.
Host: What did adult filmmakers say?
Milkshake: They said that they were looking for some strong looking men. I am a thin man weighing just 64 kg. My films would promote a thief or beggar having sex with a gorgeous lady. That thing they didn’t want.
Host: What did you say?
Milkshake: I fought back with my arguments and histrionics. I said, at 64 kg., I was nimble like a cheetah.
Host: And how did they respond to that?
Milkshake: They said, at 64 kg. of weight, I was more like a monkey to them. They told me to get lost. So, I came back to India. Here, astrologers of Bongaon (my birth place) predicted that even a malnourished person like me would become a future sex siren in India. They gave me their reasoning that fat Indian girls prefer husbands like me because they can dominate my thin body with their overweight torsos.
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[back to the show]
Host: We have heard that you posted your proposal on Sasural.com (India’s popular matrimony site).
Milkshake: Yes, just after I posted my marriage related bio, all girls started looking at my profile and so, the site got crashed.
Host: But a cyber crime data shows that a hacker group was trying to hack that site to access people’s personal phone numbers and emails. They made the site crashed. Anyway, I would like to ask you a final question. How are you planning to attract more women in this Summer?
Milkshake: Well, I plan to move here and there by wearing a skin-tight thick Blue Jeans trouser.
Host: Man, Kolkata’s temperature has just crossed 39ºC and you are planning to wear such outfits in this season!
Milkshake: That I have to do for being too attractive. You see when people like Samantha Brik and me do something attractive and trendy, you guys just become “jealous” and you guys criticize us.
Host (with a smile): May be we are not jealous about you, dear Milkshake. I wear my cotton outfits, do decent behaviour with women, plan to have a body like Salman Khan, John Abraham or Hrithick and somehow manage to get my own women fan following. Why should guys like me envy you?
Milkshake: Well, I’m not sure. But I insist that you guys are jealous of me.
Host: Well, without going to further controversy, we end our show here. Thank you for being with us on “Another Beauty in the World”. We wish great going for you (and your histrionics, too).
The show ended. I switched off the television set. I don’t know about others. But at least I don’t need to be like Mr. Milkshake Sikhwal. May be treating myself as a human is a better option than treating myself as a piece of sex meat.